Ari
Age: 36. Female. Straight.
Age 19
Man Bun
He was about to go down on me when he asked if I had a hair elastic. I did. He used it to construct an impressively serious man bun. He was good. But the man bun was… too much.
Age 20
Millimeter Peter
He was the university 6'1 football player, Liam Hemsworth lookalike, who I had a crush on for two years. When we finally went home together after the bar one night, I met his micro penis and received foreplay in which he nearly sucked on my nipples so aggressively, it later caused them to scab.
Age 23
Gollum
It was NYE and I was feeling sad after not having a midnight kiss. I invited over a guy that I knew desperately wanted to hook up with me but I always found him creepy. Before you know it, he's sucking my toes and grunting/whispering while referring to himself in third person.
Age 24
Wart Hog
I was seeing a guy I really liked from a mutual friend group. When his friends asked how the sex was, I referred to his wiener as a "wart hog". While I thought I was complimenting his size, I didn't realize it made it sound like he had genital warts. He never spoke to me again after that and his friends still call him Wart Hog.
Age 30
Ticking Time Bomb
Went on a weekend getaway and he was going down on me when all of the sudden he got up in the middle of it and said he had to go to the bathroom. When he came back, he just lied next to me and started talking as if nothing happened and I wasn't lying there like a wet cloth on the bed.
Age 32
Friend Zoned
Met up with a guy I met online who I seemed to have a lot in common with, but something felt off. It wasn't until he told me that Ross was his favourite character from friends that I knew I'd never see him again.
Age 34
Hinge Date
I dated a guy I met on hinge for a few months. At first things were great, it seemed like we agreed on politics and world views. The longer we dated, the more it became clear he was telling me what I wanted to hear and actually had some pretty regressive views. We broke up after an argument about the Barbie movie.
Age 36
Pickle Ball Boy
We met playing pickle ball with our mutual friends. It turned into post pickle ball coffee dates, then drink dates, next thing I know I'm in a pickle ball league and we've been dating for 11 months.
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